The Visit of D. McGuirk

Chapter 3:  The House of Waffles

We proceeded to bathe and dress, not with most haste but we did have the added urgency knowing mother was in a state of hunger.  I dressed with some rapidity, fixed my hair, which doesn't take more than a momentary glance in the mirror, and attended to Bode, acting as his manservant, laying out his clothes and providing a towel when he finished with his shower.  Ashley, due to the presence of our dear niece, had to play the part of mother to a daughter, something foreign to her.  This is not to say she was without qualifications for the matter at hand.  Simply, during a normal visit to the gym, Ashley would be free to attend to her dress without the added responsibility of helping a younger one with their clothes.  This led to a minor delay when Devin, having finished her shower and dressing with punctilious exactitude, went to dry her hair.  I, with short hair and Bode with the same, were without a brush, a necessary instrument for a girl when using a blow dryer. We had to wait for the arrival of Ashley, who in turn, supplied a brush, Devin's hair was then dried and combed with the same attention to detail as shown with Devin's other habits, and we were on our way.

At this point, I must include a discussion about the Waffle House.  A great many a persons have inquired as to why we, the McGuirks, a family of considerable standing and social merit, would deign to dine at an establishment which has only been visited by many readers of these chapters at an hour late at night or early in the morning following, shall we a say, a night of bibulous activity?  Many contend the Waffle House to be a dirty, filthy meal house, one visited by only the dregs and turncoats of society.  They also comment the food is greasy and unhealthy, which further creates wonderment because Miss Ashley and I are known to be people of unequivocal physical prowess (yes, really).  Allow me to take some time to correct some of these misconceptions and refute some of the arguments against our favorite eatery.  First and foremost, I must say the Waffle Houses in which I have been a patron have never struck me as being unclean.  While I have not undertaken a microscopic examination of the various surfaces, nothing has stood out in my mind to make me think these establishments do not meet the requirements put forth by the good people at the Health and Human Services organization.  Secondly, most Waffle Houses are small, with the kitchen and food preparations being done in plain sight of the clientele.  This is not true of your so-called better restaurants where all food preparations are done behind closed doors.  This might allow one the illusion of cleanliness, of good order, of a well-kept establishment, when in fact, you've no idea as to the state of the kitchen.  It could be a landfill, for all you know.  I contend the Waffle House must adhere to a higher standard of sanitary order due to the fact everything, from the dining tables to the food preparation, is executed under the watchful eyes of the customer.

Now, as for the argument the food that the Waffle House is unhealthy.  Do you really think what you eat at the Cheesecake Factory is better for you then what is served at the Waffle House?  Or any restaurant, for that matter (with the exception of vegan-type establishments, but that should go without saying).  Food at popular restaurants tastes wonderful not because there is a particular culinary skill that goes into its preparation.  Rather, those working in the restaurants know salt plus butter plus oil equals tasty goodness.  This is also true of the Waffle House--I'm not naive enough to think the hash browns are cooked in low-fat sesame seed oil.  Rather it's probably some type of bacon lard; that's why they're sooo gooood.  Where I find the Waffle House to have a advantage over your other popular restaurants is proportion size.  A sandwich at the Waffle House is made using bread from a regular loaf you buy at the grocery store.  The serving plates are the same size as plates used in the 1980's.  You get a sandwich at Applebees, and you get something that can easily fill two regular sized people served in what amounts to be a trough.  When Ashley and I frequent other establishments, we typically order one entree, split it, and have food left over.  Proportion sizes have increased, which likely has added to the girth of many Americans.  This is not true at the Waffle House.  I can clean my plate without having added three sizes to my waist.  Now, I could write for many pages on the state of American corpulence, which is a relevant topic to the above.  However, I know most of you want to hear about the adventures of D. and B. McGuirk.  I'll get back to that shortly.  But I cannot help myself and share one of Ashley's and my theories on why so many Americans are overweight.  We call it our fishbowl theory.  It is an established scientific fact a pet goldfish will grow to the size of the bowl in which it inhabits.  A smaller bowl equates to a smaller fish while a larger bowl equates to a larger fish.  Look at the cars Americans drive.  Minivans, Expeditions, SUVs, all with plenty of shoulder room.  People expand to the size of their cars.  If you don't believe me, look at the drivers of the minivans you see.  More often than not, you will find an overweight person.  But I've digressed enough from the topic at hand.

We arrived at the Waffle House, the employees shouting their greeting the moment we came through the door.  Many commented on the "extra person" that accompanied us this day, for all previous outings had only included myself, the misses, and the young master.  "Papaa," said Bode, "I don't think we can sit in our usual spot at the high-bar, as there aren't enough seats."  "Quite true, my son," I responded, "but that table over there should suffice, yes?  It has room for four, and provides a good line of sight for you to the grill, for I know how much you like to watch the food cook."  We situated ourselves at a window booth, Devin and Bode on one side, Ashley and me on the other.  The waiter, Mr Juan, came over, pen at the ready.  "The usual for you all?" he asked. "Well," I began, "we might have to take a moment to decide.  This beautiful young lady is my niece, and she's never been to a Waffle House."  "Never been to a Waffle House?" Juan responded, his voice rising.  Other staff members heard, and voiced their greeting to the Waffle House newbie.  "Welcome! Welcome!" came the exuberant cries of the staff.  There were hearty cheers from other patrons, all which served to further brighten our mood.  A shy smile crept across Devin's face, and I could see she was pleased.  "Can I get your drinks first?" asked Juan.  Ashley and I, as you know, are lovers of sweet tea, for we think there isn't a better beverage on the planet (nor is there a worse beverage for one's teeth, but we've digressed enough on health-related issues in this chapter).  Bode ordered his lemonade.  "What would you like, Sweety?" Juan said, leaning over and looking at Devin.  "What do you have?" Devin asked.  "We have tea, coffee, lemonade, Coke, Sprite, cherry Coke, cherry Sprite..."  "Cherry Sprite?" Devin asked.  "I'll make you one if that's what you want," Juan said.  Devin nodded vigorously.  "Can I have a cherry lemonade?" Bode asked.  Juan said he could, Bode stated he wanted one of those, Juan was off, and returned in a flash with our drinks.  During his short time away, I asked Devin what she would like for lunch.  "What is Bode having?" "Well, he usually gets a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich, and sometimes he gets a side of hash browns, while other times, he gets a side of ham."  Devin thought for a moment, and then, "Can I have a grilled ham and cheese sandwich with a side of bacon?" "Of course you can my dear.  Ah, good, here's Mr Juan with our beverages.  Yes, thank you Mr Juan.  We are now ready to order."  Mr Juan whipped his pen back out, the order was placed, and he was again off in a flash.  The cooks were seen putting thick strips of bacon on the grill, bread was buttered and topped with cheese and ham, eggs (for me) were cracked, and before Ashley's stomach could growl again, the food arrived. And what a meal it was, its excellence increased by an "error" made by Mr Juan, who brought us an extra side of bacon, which was quickly eaten by the two younger members of our party.  Devin consumed her entire meal and washed it down with one and one half glasses of cherry Sprite.  Bode, being a young boy and still uncouth in many matters, belched his satisfaction.  "Bode!" mother chastised, although it's hard to scold when the two children are laughing so hard.  "We better go," Ashley said, pointing to the time.  It was past one, and the mighty Auburn Tigers kicked off in less than an hour.  "Devin," Ashley asked as we walked out of the Waffle House amidst a rousing farewell from the staff, "do you like football?" She shook her head.  "Do you want to watch the Auburn game?" Ashley asked.  Devin shook her head again. "Hmmm," came Ashley's Marge Simpson-like utterance of disapproval and dismay.  "Dear wife, dear wife, fear not.  I believe I have an idea."  I turned to the children.  "What say, when we get home, I turn on the Xbox and you play....Minecraft?"  "HURRAH!" both children exclaimed.  "Then let us be off, for preparations must be made before kickoff.  Come now everyone, make haste!"