Bode's First Interview

Announcer: Live from New York, the city that never sleeps, it’s the Late Show with…hold it. Guys, cut the music…I’m reading the wrong sheet. I need the new script—yes, that one. Ok, I got it. In five, four, three, two, … Webcast from Kettering, the city that sleeps at half past eight, it’s the Way too Effing Early Show. Tonight’s guest is the new arrival, Bode Jackson. And now, your host, a dog that will tell you that he loves you just to get what he wants….Duuuudleeeeyyyy McGuirk!

Applause, cheers, and only a couple jeers.

Dudley: Hey, how’s everyone doing out there in web land? Well, we’re live this morning from the McGuirk living room. Jeff had intended to host the show, but unfortunately, he’s out cold sleeping. Auburn tried her best to lick him to consciousness, but no dice. So you’re stuck with me as the host. Now, due to the writer’s strike, we don’t really have much of a monologue. I know Jeff tried writing some material, but I looked at what he had and figured it would bomb. So we’re going to skip that part of the show and jump right into the interview, which is probably what most of you are tuning in for anyways…am I right? We could be like that BCS selection show that kept teasing us and wouldn’t cut to the chase and simply tell us LSU gets to whip, I mean play, the Buckeyes in the championship game. So, without further adieu, let’s bring out our guest. He’s a young man that arrived here only a couple days ago, an infant in the meaty part of the bell curve for all categories. Conceived and born right here in the heart of Kettering, let’s give a big round of applause for Bode McGuirk.

Applause, cheers, whistles, and quite a few cat-calls from the ladies in the audience.


Dudley: Welcome to the show, Bode. Man, I can’t get over how small you are. You’re no bigger than a liter of Coke.
Bode: Yeah, I hear I’m related to some people that were 9-pounders when they were born, but the doctors seemed very happy with my weight. In fact, they all commented that I have such a big head.
Dudley: That’s what she said.
Bode: Come again?
Dudley: That’s what she said.
Bode: You’re not making any sense.
Dudley: That’s what…oh wait, it won’t work here. You don’t get ‘that’s what she said’ type humor? You ever seen The Office?
Bode: No, ‘fraid not.
Dudley: You will. Daddy watches it over and over; doesn’t matter if he’s seen it already. In fact, he was watching a TiVoed episode right before he conked out on the sofa.
Bode: Daddy? Who’s this Daddy person?
Dudley: Daddy—you know, the guy that lives here with us? Perhaps you think of him as this:
Bode: Oh, ok, I’m with you. Yeah, I know the guy. You say his name is Daddy? He’s seems a nice enough fellow, but he really needs to work on his changing skills. How long does it take to change a diaper? Thirty seconds? A minute? For some reason, it takes him close to five minutes. And these are a cold five minutes. I mean, the guys holding my legs, exposing my bare ass to the cold night air, and he’s like a mammoth in a tar pit. I need to figure out how to light a fire under this guy.
Dudley: I think I know how you could speed him up.
Bode: How?
Dudley: Next time he’s moving too slow, hose him down some.
Bode: Really, that works?
Dudley: You bet. I used to do that in the house—you should see how fast he moves. ‘Course, he gets a bit pissed (no pun intended), but it’s really quite amusing.
Bode: Well, thanks, I’ll give it a try next time.
Dudley: Well, I gotta say you look fantastic.
Bode: Yeah, well, I was eating pretty well there for awhile. Got up to 7 pounds, 9 ounces. I thought I looked a bit chubby, so I’ve dropped 10 ounces on this new diet—nothing but milk.
Dudley: And how’s that working out for you?
Bode: Good, real good. A bit bland after awhile…kinda tastes like chicken.
Dudley: What do you think of Mama?
Bode: Mama?

Dudley: You know, the lady of the house.

Bode: Still not ringing a bell.

Dudley: Perhaps you think of her as

Bode: The Milk Lady? That’s Mama? Oh, she’s awesome. What a nice lady. I just adore her.
Dudley: Me too. I’ve nothing but love for that woman.
Bode: Is there something wrong with her?
Dudley: What do you mean?
Bode: Well, I saw ‘Daddy’ helping her put her socks and shoes on.
Dudley: Oh, she just has some swelling—developed some really nice cankles, but that should go away soon. I know she seems a bit feeble right now, but you’ll be amazed how much energy Mama has. She exercises quite a bit.
Bode: Really? Do you think she will take me running…of course, only when it’s warmer because it’s freezing here. Where I come from the temperature never drops below 98 degrees.
Dudley: Get used to it. Of course, if you get too cold, you can always snuggle up to Auburn.
Bode: Auburn? I’ve heard that name many times. What is it?
Dudley: Well, there are two Auburns: one is a college—Mama went there and she’s a rabid fan. The other Auburn is the dog—that big black and brown fury animal that roams around here.
Bode: I know him. He’s sweet.
Dudley: Auburn is a bitch.
Bode: Oh, sorry. She’s sweet. But she keeps licking me, especially when I’m crying. I like it, but sometimes I think she believes my head is a lollipop. I guess I taste good to her…I just hope she never wants more than a lick!
Dudley: Oh she’s harmless…provided she knows you. Make no mistake, she’ll protect you, and she’s quite a sight to see when she’s in guard mode.
Bode: I bet. I do like that she seems to know when I need changing; she powers her nose right into me when I’m wet or dirty. It’s a big cue to ‘Mama’ and ‘Daddy’.
Dudley: I’m sure they appreciate it. Well that’s about all the time we have. One last question. What do you think of your house?
Bode: I love it—especially the kitchen. Man, it looks awesome. I can’t believe I actually live here.

Dudley: Neither can Mama and Daddy, Bode, neither can Mama and Daddy.

Dudley: Well, Bode, thanks for being here. Come back any time.
Bode: I appreciate, Dudley. I sure will. But first, I need a nap—I’ve been awake for almost two hours; I’m not a machine, you know!
Dudley: I hear you, Bode. I need a nap myself. You take care of yourself. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Bode McGuirk.

Applause, Whoots, Hollars

Dudley: What a nice kid…polite, well mannered, sincere. Maybe he was adopted. Seemed to hiccough a bit more than I’d expect, but that’ll pass. Anyways, before we end, we have a special treat. Drum roll please.

Drum Roll

Dudley: We have for you the Top 5 Things Mama and Daddy have learned since Bode’s arrival:
Number 5: They never knew three hours of uninterrupted sleep could be the unequivocal bliss that it has become.
Number 4: Baby hands are the most powerful, relentless vices in the world when wrapped around hair
Number 3: That a parental dinner conversation consisting of color, clarity, and consistency is not about diamonds
Number 2: All babies are born on Tokyo time
And the Number 1 thing Mama and Daddy have learned is that a baby's eyes can melt even the hardest of substances.

Dudley: That's it, ladies and gentlemen. We certainly hope you enjoyed the show.

Applause, shouts, whistles, so much so that Jeff wakes up.

Jeff (very groggy): Did I miss something?