Merry Christmas

Happy Holidays to Everyone! We hope you all had a nice enjoyable Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus. If you're anything like us, you are off until after the New Year. We have so many exciting things planned for this week--change Bode about 100 times, feed him six squares a day, burp him often, clean the occasional spit-up, and work desparately to catch some zzz's in the interims. Can anyone top that for excitement???

We had a wonderful Christmas. It all began a few days ago with anxious anticipation for the arrival of St. Nick.
How could Santa even think about leaving a lump of coal for these three angels? For those that haven't been to our house (the vast majority of you dear readers), the wallpaper is not our doing; we plan on removing that sometime in 2008. What's sad is this wall paper is probably the tamest of our wall decor...we have some other walls that aren't suitable to show even on the internet (FCC regulations prevent such graphic images...)

JoAnne, Frank, and Jason (Bode's grandparents and uncle) arrived on 22 December. They tried to sit and rest after their long journey, but Auburn had something else in mind.
Nana brought lots of goodies and sweets, and we passed the days before Christmas gorging ourselves. In between meals, Jeff tried to sneak into the gift pile, but Auburn was assigned guard duty and kept him at bay...
Finally, after much eating, Christmas morning arrived. Bode got into the spirit by putting on his Christmas bib. And before you say anything, yes, he's lying on the dining room table. He seems to enjoy that--probably likes looking at the overhead lights.
Before we opened our gifts, we posed for a family portrait.
Bode wouldn't sit still because he was sooo excited about opening his presents (which is why the picture is blurry). We spent the next couple hours opening gifts. Bode loaded up and received tons of clothes and little knick-knacks. He was so excited, he fell asleep amidst the carnage of boxes, paper and bows...
On Christmas night, we all went to a place called Clifton's Mills--an old mill next to the river with 3.5 million Christmas lights (yes, really). The weather was seasonably warm and the light shows were very pretty. Unfortunately, I forgot my camera and don't have a single picture, but I don't think pictures of lights show up well anyways. This morning, JoAnne, Frank, and Jason headed back down to Florida. We might try to go shopping and catch some of the Christmas sales, but we're not sure. We hope you all have a great end of 2007 and really ring in the new year--if you have any good new year stories (drank so much you ended up naked on a train to Montreal, went to Vegas, stayed at the Luxor, and woke up three days later in the real Egypt, etc.), please share them with us. And remember: there are only 365 days until Christmas (2008 is a leap year). You better not be naughty because someone is always watching you!Pleasant day to all.

24

The following takes place between the hours of 6 am and 7 am on…hell, I don’t even know what day today is. Ashley, what day is it? You don’t know either? Well, let's just say this takes place some day before Christmas in December 2007...

06:00

Sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff. Scratch scratch. Yaaawn. Gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee. Go outside go pee. Gotta pee gotta pee. Go outside go pee. Use your door use your door. Go outside go pee go outside go pee go outside go pee. Use your door use your door. Sniff sniff sniff. Squirrels squirrels squirrels busy squirrels digging squirrels. Sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff. Dirt, dig in dirt dig in dirt. No. No bad dog bad dog dig no dig no dirt smells good no dig no dig no dig bad dog bad dog no dig. Gotta pee find spot gotta pee find spot sniff sniff sniff pee sniff sniff pee gotta pee sniff pee here pee here.

Sniff sniff sniff. Dirt smells good no dig no dig bad dog. Sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff. Squirrels, chase squirrels, chase squirrels. Listen…Listen…Listen…

ALARM ALARM ALARM ALARM. Front door ALARM ALARM ALARM ALARM Front door front door front door ALARM ALARM ALARM. Inside ALARM inside ALARM front door front door front door. Run run run run run protect protect protect protect protect

“WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF! GRRRR. WOOF WOOF WOOF!”

“Auburn, we go through this every day,” a groggy Jeff says from the bedroom. “It’s just the newspaper man.”

ALARM ALARM. Listen…Listen…listen…no sound, good dog, protect, chase bad chase bad, protect.

“Ruff!”

Hear Daddy, hear Daddy, find Daddy find Daddy find Daddy. Back room Daddy, find Daddy, back room Daddy, smell Daddy, smell Mommy, sniff sniff sniff. Nuzzle nuzzle. Paws. Smell Daddy, smell Daddy, lick lick lick.

“Auburn, it’s soo early,” Jeff says, as Auburn tries to lick his face. He reaches out his hand and tries to push her away.

Hand lick hand lick hand tastes good lick hand lick hand lick hand lick hand lick lick lick lick lick.

“Stop licking me, dog,” Jeff whispers, although he keeps his hand near Auburn’s mouth. She continues to lick him until he acquiesces and starts rubbing her face and ears.

Rub head rub head rub head. Ears, scratch ears scratch ears scratch ears. Rub scratch rub scratch under chin under chin under chin scratch under chin scratch between eyes scratch between eyes love that love that rub butt rub butt rub butt hand gone hand gone lick lick lick lick. Sniff sniff.

Jeff pulls his hand away. “Did you get much sleep, hon?” he asks.

“Some,” Ashley replies. “The little man was crying at 2, but he settled down quickly. I fed him at 3 and he went back to sleep pretty easy.”

“Really, you were up and out of bed twice? You must be really quiet when you do this.”

“Not particularly. I just think a hibernating bear is more easily disturbed than you,” Ashley jokes.

“You know you can wake me if you need any help…”

“Oh, I’m only kidding. Only one of us should get up. After I feed him, if you just watch him so I can take a little nap?”

“Roger that,” Jeff says as he stretches his whole body. He yawns once, then again, and says, “I suppose I should take her.”

Take her take her take her take her. Listen…listen…listen…take her take her take her…listen listen listen. Sit good dog sit good dog listen listen listen.

“Auburn, you want to go for a…walk?” Jeff says as he rises out of bed.

WALK WALK WALK WALK WALK WALK WALK WALK WALK WALK WALK. Watch…Daddy up Daddy up Daddy up Daddy up follow Daddy WALK WALK WALK WALK WALK Daddy shoes Daddy shoes Daddy shoes WALK WALK WALK WALK WALK Daddy shoes follow Daddy follow Daddy follow Daddy follow Daddy. Look, watch, LEASH LEASH LEASH LEASH See LEASH See LEASH Hop Hop Hop WALK WALK WALK.

“Auburn, sit still and let me put this on you.” Jeff wraps the collar around the rottie’s massive neck. He slips on a hat and gloves and heads for the door.

“You ok, Ash?” he asks.

“Fine, I’ll just nap until you get back.”

“Ok, we’ll be back.” Jeff opens the door and Auburn tears outside.

WALK WALK WALK WALK WALK…

Jeff closes the door and Ashley starts to fall back asleep.

“Waahhh, waaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

“Ah, crap,” Ashley says.

06:18

Sleep sleep sleep sleep twitch twitch sleep sleep sleep sleep. Gurgle gurgle gurgle. Sleep sleep sleep sleep. Gurgle. Lip smack lip smack lip smack. Sleep twitch sleep twitch. Twitch. Eyes open. Dark dark dark. Lip smack. Twitch. Push push push push push. Dark alone dark alone all alone alone scared.

“Waahhh, waaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

“Bode, whats’a matter,” Ashley mumbles, not expecting a reply but hoping the sound of her voice would soothe the infant. “It’s ok, buddy, Mommy’s near.”

Sound listen sound listen sound nice voice nice voice nice voice recognize voice nice voice. Need voice need voice need voice. More more more. Scared alone scared alone need voice hold me hold me hold me hold me hold

“Waahhh, waah, waah, waaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

“C’mom little man, calm down.”

Voice voice voice need voice need hold hold hold need hold scared so scared scared alone alone alone voice need voice alone alone alone scared scared scared

“Waahhhhhhhhhhhhh, wah, wah, waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Ashley realizes her sleep is over. She stumbles out of bed and puts on her robe and slippers. She walks into the nursery and flicks on the light.

“Mommy’s here, Bode, Mommy’s here,” she says kneeling over the crib.

Mommy mommy mommy milk mommy milk mommy mommy mommy. See face face Mommy face Mommy face soothe soothe soothe. Calm calm calm. Gurgle. Coo.

“That’s my little guy, that’s my little guy,”

Coo coo. Gurgle. Whoa. Push push push push push. Ahhhhhh.

“Waah, waaahhh!”

“Excuse you! You have some gas this morning little man…oh, Bode, you stink! Where’d that come from? Bill Cosby was right—odor comes after two weeks.” She scoops him out of the crib and carries him gently over to the changing table, patting him gently on the back.

Messy messy dirty messy dirty messy messy. Mommy mommy arms hold hold mommy. Down, no like down no like cold, cold cold cold. Arms cold cold cold back cold cold cold so cold cold cold no like no like no like. Control can’t control can’t control so cold

“I know, little buddy, it’s cold in here. Wow, you made a mess and hey! Ah, jeez, where’s a wash-cloth.” Ashley fumbles for a wash-cloth and places it over Bode’s mid-section.

“You peed on me, you little rascal,” Ashley says, not upset because even though being peed on sounds disgusting, it is funny to a first-time parent—at least the first few times. In another couple weeks, it won’t be. She cleans him up, finishes changing him, and puts on a new, clean outfit.

“These still don’t fit you so well,” Ashley says, trying to work Bode’s legs into the onesie. An inch of fabric dangles off both his feet and Ashley scoops him into her arms. Ashley carries Bode out to the kitchen and sets Bode in his swing. She then goes back to the nursery and gets the messy diaper and rags from the morning change.

Warm warm warm warm. Calm calm calm. So warm clean dry clean dry clean dry. Mommy mommy mommy mommy. Coo coo coo. Gurgle. Down alone mommy where Mommy motion rocking rocking rocking calm calm calm. Ahhh. Gurgle

06:39

Jeff and Auburn come through the front door, their walk completed.

“Go to the kitchen, Auburn,” Jeff says removing her leash. He then heads downstairs to the garage, holding the smelly plastic baggy.

Kitchen kitchen kitchen food want food want food kitchen kitchen kitchen. Sniff sniff sniff. Little fellow little fellow protect little fellow protect little fellow protect little fellow alone protect little fellow. Sniff sniff sniff. Clean.

“What are you doing out here?” Jeff asks, seeing Ashley in the garage near the trash cans.

“Disposing of a messy diaper,” she says.

“Hey, me too,” Jeff says holding up the plastic baggy. “What do you know. It’s not even 7 am and we’ve both dealt with some sh*t already. We should do a commercial.” Ashley does not laugh at this weak attempt at humor. She merely nods and the two head back upstairs. In the kitchen they find Bode in his swing and Auburn parked in front of him. She is seated in front of Bode, not watching Bode but watching around him. Auburn sees Ashley and runs over to deliver a good morning.

“Good morning, girl,” Ashley says scratching the dog’s hind legs.

“I’ll feed the pups; you get some breakfast before you feed him,” Jeff says motioning toward Bode. “Auburn, you want some food?”

Mama scratch butt scratch butt scratch butt FOOD? Food food food love food food food love food need food hungry hungry food food food food food. Sniff sniff sniff. Food love food sniff sniff sniff. No meat?

Jeff scoops two cups of dry dog food into Auburns bowl and places a handful of the same into Dudley’s bowl. Auburn immediately attacks her bowl but stops almost as quickly. She looks at Jeff, as if asking something.

“That’s all you get, girl. No wet stuff in the morning.”

Food food food. No wet no wet food no wet no wet. Hungry hungry hungry eat. Eat eat eat.

Ashley gets two bowls from the cabinets and put the boxes of cereal on the table while Bode watches from his swing.

“Where’s Dudley?” Jeff asks.

06:51

Sleep sleep sleep. Snore snore snore. Snort snort snort sleep sleep sleep. Noise listen noise listen noise hear noise. Awake. Sniff sniff sniff sniff. Mama gone mama gone. Sniff sniff sniff. Mama gone mama gone daddy gone daddy gone alone alone alone. Scared scared.

“Wuff,” comes a very weak, muffled bark from the master bedroom. Jeff and Ashley, too intent on their breakfasts, do not hear it.

Alone alone scared scared alone gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee. No bad dog no pee no pee gotta pee no bad dog gotta pee gotta pee. Gotta pee gotta pee. Alone alone scared. Gotta pee gotta pee no bad dog bad dog gotta pee.

“Where’s Dudley?” Jeff asks.

“I don’t know—I thought you let him out before you walked Auburn.”

“No, he was on the bed last I saw him. You didn’t let him out either?”

“No.” Jeff gets up and hurries back to the bedroom.

Noise noise footsteps here I’m here I’m here I’m here I’m here.

“Wuff wuff wuff.”

“I hear you, Dud,” Jeff says coming into the bedroom and picking Dudley off the bed. He carries him to the back door and lets him outside, apologizing to him for having forgotten about him. In response, Dudley sneezes on Jeff.

“Thanks, little man,” Jeff says, shooing Dudley outside.

Sniff sniff sniff sniff. Gotta pee gotta pee. Sniff sniff sniff. Mud mud sniff mud gotta pee. Here pee here.

“All done?” Jeff asks to Dudley opening the door and letting the pug back inside. Jeff then uses his foot to direct the blind pug to his food bowl.

Sniff sniff nudge left nudge left nudge right nudge right sniff sniff sniff food. Eat eat eat.

06:59

“We going to try to venture out today?” Ashley asks.

“Do you think we’re ready to go places with the little guy?”

“I think so.”

“Me too. Where should we go?”

"How about..."

Motion motion motion motion motion. Calm calm. Soothing. Calm. Motion motion hungry motion. Hungry calm hungry calm. Mommy. Sniff sniff. Milk milk motion motion milk motion. Mommy mommy mommy. Milk hungry hungry milk motion calm milk hungry milk mommy milk mommy milk milk milk milk milk milk milk milk boob boob boob want boob

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

“Looks like it’s time to feed him,” Ashley says.

07:00

Attention All Ladies

Not much to say today, but I do have to post this picture of the little guy. Initially, we concluded we liked the onesie outfits that had zippers more than the button-up ones, only because they are much faster and easier (especially at 3 in the morning) to unzip/zip. This probably sounds like a lot of whining on our part, as how much dexterity does it take to do buttons? Quite a lot when you add in the element of a kicking, crying kid who is cold, cranky, and hungry (sorry, I know hungry destroys the alliteration element I had going there, but there really isn't a hard-c word for desiring food). Anyways, like I said, we INITIALLY concluded the zipper onesies were best. That was until we took the following picture:

Note the provacative, exposed chest, the casual, smug smile, and the devil-may-care look in his eyes. The whole ensemble seems to say, "Ladies, you don't want any of this. I'm the one your parents warned you about, trouble with a capital T." All he needs now is a nice moustache....

Home Alone

Ashley's Mom returned home today. Yes, you have heard (read) correctly. Ashley and I are caring for an infant unsupervised. Sound the alarm, put the medical staffs on red alert, and keep social services on speed dial. Why? you ask. Recall the last time we were charged with the care of one that cannot care for himself. Back 1998, Dudley was still living with Ashley's parents. JoAnne and Frank went out of town for a few days and left the Pug in our care. The end result? A rushed trip to the vet because I somehow dislocated both of Dudley's hind legs. Evidently Dudley remembers this horrible day because he's spent the entire morning guarding Bode.

I think Dudley also told Auburn about this event, because she is also on priority one alert and won't let me near the kid.

What I find interesting is the state of Ohio licenses doctors, lawyers, engineers, teachers, even hair dressers. But do parents need a license, do parents have to pass any type of test in order to raise a child?
"Oh, you'll be fine," all the nurses told us when we conveyed our misgivings about being able to properly care for a baby. "You'll just figure out what to do--it's natural," they all said. Couldn't this same logic be applied to a hair dresser--how hard would it be for them to just figure it out as they go? Not very, I reckon, yet the state feels the need to license them. I suppose all first time parents have these same thoughts the first time they are left alone with their new baby. And come to think of it, judging by my recent hair cuts, I don't think licensing by the state really does anything to ensure quality. I guess we'll just have to do what feels right and hope for the best; after all, if Brittany Spears can raise a kid, so can we (maybe that's not the best person to use as a standard with which to compare...)

Bode seemed to take the news quite well when we told him he was stuck with just the two of us.

"Will this in anyways affect the milk?" he asked.

As a precursor to how things would be when JoAnne left, Bode spent most of last night crying. Well, not constantly crying...just a little five-minute whine here and there to ensure neither one of us was able to progress to that all important REM sleep. Sometimes I'd get up and carry him out to the living room, rock him some, and then just as he was drifting to sleep, gently place him back into his crib. Evidently Bode's matress is lined with needles because as soon as I put him down, his eyes would open, he'd start to squirm, and soon thereafter, that oh-so-pleasant-at-3 am sound of "Waah, wah, waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" We have found that Bode gets the hic-ups quite often. He's fine when we're holding him upright, but the second we lay him down on his back, he's like a hobo drunk from Boone's wine. The doctor says this is natural and normal (the hic-ups, not being drunk on cheap wine), so don't anybody worry. Fortunately, we did find a couple good places he likes to sleep. The first place is on his best buddy Auburn.

Unfortunately, Bode had to abandon this position after one particularly gaseous episode when Auburn blew Bode to the other end of the couch. Fortunately he was able to find another spot that he loves more than anything in the world. Pleasant day to all.

The Death of the Name E---r

All right, first I feel the need to dispute the rumor currently being circulated by US magazine. Ashley and I did not almost come to blows in the operating room regarding the baby's name. Recall (and I’ve been given permission to use the name again for this story), I wanted to name the baby Ender; Ashley was vehemently against this. Despite what you may have read in US, the name Bode was decided upon even before Ashley went into the OR. Why, you may ask, did I acquiesce so easily? Was it because I didn't want to put Ashley through any more trauma? Not really (she's tough and could handle it). The reality is the name was ruined for me by a drug dealer named Bob (the anesthesiologist). Bob is an elderly fellow, short, balding, and one of the nicest guys anyone could meet. “Just call me Bob, everybody calls me Bob,” he said when he came in to give Ashley the epidural. I was not used to a doctor being so casual, so humble. I guess I've seen too many episodes of ER, Grey's Anatomy, or watched Malice one too many times ("I am God!" says the doctor). Anyways, while Bob was sticking my wife with his eight-inch needle (don’t be perverted you sickos), he was making small talk with Ashley—'How long you lived in Kettering? Really, from Colorado? Why'd you ever come here?' and 'First baby? Really, you're 37; you certainly don't look it.' Like I said, the nicest guy you could ever meet. At one point, he asked if we had chosen a name. Ashley, who was now under the influence of some powerful drugs, told Bob that she wanted to name the baby Bode but that her husband had a different name in mind. ‘What’s the other name?’ came Bob’s soothing voice. ‘Ender,’ Ashley replied. I expected Bob to smile that fatherly smile he had done so often since he had come into the room and say something supportive. Alas, Bob, this wonderfully nice man, turns into this malicious little being (picture how Anakin changes when he kills Mace Windu and goes to the dark side). He says to me, ‘You can’t name him that,’ while menacing that same eight-inch piece of sharp metal. ‘Why not? Didn't you ever read Ender’s Game?’ I replied. ‘I don't care what book it's from. It doesn't matter. All the kids are going to call him Rear-ender.’ And there ended my fascination with the name...

There is an unwritten rule that one should never, ever, under any circumstances, ask a woman if she is pregnant no matter how obvious it may seem. There is always that one percent chance you could be wrong, and there is no known response to 'Sorry, I'm not pregnant,' that will alleviate the situation. Along this line of thought, we've learned another item on the list of 'they don’t tell you this stuff before hand' (reference the Houston, We Have a Problem post). Perhaps we simply didn’t listen to this when it was mentioned, or figured it wouldn’t apply to us. The morning after Bode was born, Ashley and I both expected her belly to be mostly gone. After all, the baby was no longer inside. Oh sure, we did expect some extra tissue, but we’d no idea she would still look 6+ months pregnant. For those that don’t know, the belly is this big because the indoor plumbing doesn’t snap back quickly. I guess I thought the return back to her normal size and shape would be along the timeline of the Hulk transforming back David Banner. Yes, her belly has gone down considerably since Bode’s birth, but it was still large enough to ruin one particular gentleman’s afternoon. We went down the street to pick up a holiday ornament holder (aka a Christmas tree for the non-PC correct). Anyways, the guy at the lot violated the unwritten rule of pregnancy comments. ‘I imagine next year’s Christmas will be a lot different after your little one arrives,’ the guy says, nodding towards Ashley’s belly. Ashley's eyes turned jet black and her hair raised up like there was a lot of static electricity in the air. I don't recall much after that, but I do know the surgeons were able to reattach both of the man's testicles. Even better, we got a great price on the tree--the guy was quite uncomfortable during the rest of the sale, and I think he simply wanted us gone...


Ok, here's the real reason you come to this blog: the Bode-man (long o, no e, rhymes with Code-man) update. Yesterday, Bode had his one-week checkup. He is now 7 pounds, 3 ounces and is doing just fine. He's eating good, sleeping better, and we think he might have smiled (or it could have been a burp aftershock, we're not sure which). First, here's me and the little guy in front of the aforementioned Christmas tree Next, we have have a picture of Bode with Auburn. He looks soooo little next to her; it's amazing how gentle the rottie is with the baby. Below we have a picture of Dudley sniffing the little man. I'm sure Dud was pissed when he realized Bode was in his sleeping area ('Who's been sleeping in my bed?' said the Dud-pug). Finally, we have a picture of Bode with Nana (Ashley's Mom). At this point, we have to give big ups to Nana, who has been with us since Bode was born and is staying until the 13th of December (although we're trying to convince her to extend her stay...until 2010). She's been awesome--changes him, rocks him, has cooked meals and cookies for us, and has been a calming influence on the whole household (we won't mention that she swipes and does the cross word before either of us has a chance to see it). We would not be as well rested nor maintained our sanity if not for the presence of this silver haired angel, and for that, we thank her with all our hearts. As a final thought: Notice in the picture of Bode and Nana all the books on the shelves on the top left. They are all Star Wars books. The little guy's future is already set: he's going to be a nerd--just like Daddy! May the force be with you, and pleasant day.

Bode's First Interview

Announcer: Live from New York, the city that never sleeps, it’s the Late Show with…hold it. Guys, cut the music…I’m reading the wrong sheet. I need the new script—yes, that one. Ok, I got it. In five, four, three, two, … Webcast from Kettering, the city that sleeps at half past eight, it’s the Way too Effing Early Show. Tonight’s guest is the new arrival, Bode Jackson. And now, your host, a dog that will tell you that he loves you just to get what he wants….Duuuudleeeeyyyy McGuirk!

Applause, cheers, and only a couple jeers.

Dudley: Hey, how’s everyone doing out there in web land? Well, we’re live this morning from the McGuirk living room. Jeff had intended to host the show, but unfortunately, he’s out cold sleeping. Auburn tried her best to lick him to consciousness, but no dice. So you’re stuck with me as the host. Now, due to the writer’s strike, we don’t really have much of a monologue. I know Jeff tried writing some material, but I looked at what he had and figured it would bomb. So we’re going to skip that part of the show and jump right into the interview, which is probably what most of you are tuning in for anyways…am I right? We could be like that BCS selection show that kept teasing us and wouldn’t cut to the chase and simply tell us LSU gets to whip, I mean play, the Buckeyes in the championship game. So, without further adieu, let’s bring out our guest. He’s a young man that arrived here only a couple days ago, an infant in the meaty part of the bell curve for all categories. Conceived and born right here in the heart of Kettering, let’s give a big round of applause for Bode McGuirk.

Applause, cheers, whistles, and quite a few cat-calls from the ladies in the audience.


Dudley: Welcome to the show, Bode. Man, I can’t get over how small you are. You’re no bigger than a liter of Coke.
Bode: Yeah, I hear I’m related to some people that were 9-pounders when they were born, but the doctors seemed very happy with my weight. In fact, they all commented that I have such a big head.
Dudley: That’s what she said.
Bode: Come again?
Dudley: That’s what she said.
Bode: You’re not making any sense.
Dudley: That’s what…oh wait, it won’t work here. You don’t get ‘that’s what she said’ type humor? You ever seen The Office?
Bode: No, ‘fraid not.
Dudley: You will. Daddy watches it over and over; doesn’t matter if he’s seen it already. In fact, he was watching a TiVoed episode right before he conked out on the sofa.
Bode: Daddy? Who’s this Daddy person?
Dudley: Daddy—you know, the guy that lives here with us? Perhaps you think of him as this:
Bode: Oh, ok, I’m with you. Yeah, I know the guy. You say his name is Daddy? He’s seems a nice enough fellow, but he really needs to work on his changing skills. How long does it take to change a diaper? Thirty seconds? A minute? For some reason, it takes him close to five minutes. And these are a cold five minutes. I mean, the guys holding my legs, exposing my bare ass to the cold night air, and he’s like a mammoth in a tar pit. I need to figure out how to light a fire under this guy.
Dudley: I think I know how you could speed him up.
Bode: How?
Dudley: Next time he’s moving too slow, hose him down some.
Bode: Really, that works?
Dudley: You bet. I used to do that in the house—you should see how fast he moves. ‘Course, he gets a bit pissed (no pun intended), but it’s really quite amusing.
Bode: Well, thanks, I’ll give it a try next time.
Dudley: Well, I gotta say you look fantastic.
Bode: Yeah, well, I was eating pretty well there for awhile. Got up to 7 pounds, 9 ounces. I thought I looked a bit chubby, so I’ve dropped 10 ounces on this new diet—nothing but milk.
Dudley: And how’s that working out for you?
Bode: Good, real good. A bit bland after awhile…kinda tastes like chicken.
Dudley: What do you think of Mama?
Bode: Mama?

Dudley: You know, the lady of the house.

Bode: Still not ringing a bell.

Dudley: Perhaps you think of her as

Bode: The Milk Lady? That’s Mama? Oh, she’s awesome. What a nice lady. I just adore her.
Dudley: Me too. I’ve nothing but love for that woman.
Bode: Is there something wrong with her?
Dudley: What do you mean?
Bode: Well, I saw ‘Daddy’ helping her put her socks and shoes on.
Dudley: Oh, she just has some swelling—developed some really nice cankles, but that should go away soon. I know she seems a bit feeble right now, but you’ll be amazed how much energy Mama has. She exercises quite a bit.
Bode: Really? Do you think she will take me running…of course, only when it’s warmer because it’s freezing here. Where I come from the temperature never drops below 98 degrees.
Dudley: Get used to it. Of course, if you get too cold, you can always snuggle up to Auburn.
Bode: Auburn? I’ve heard that name many times. What is it?
Dudley: Well, there are two Auburns: one is a college—Mama went there and she’s a rabid fan. The other Auburn is the dog—that big black and brown fury animal that roams around here.
Bode: I know him. He’s sweet.
Dudley: Auburn is a bitch.
Bode: Oh, sorry. She’s sweet. But she keeps licking me, especially when I’m crying. I like it, but sometimes I think she believes my head is a lollipop. I guess I taste good to her…I just hope she never wants more than a lick!
Dudley: Oh she’s harmless…provided she knows you. Make no mistake, she’ll protect you, and she’s quite a sight to see when she’s in guard mode.
Bode: I bet. I do like that she seems to know when I need changing; she powers her nose right into me when I’m wet or dirty. It’s a big cue to ‘Mama’ and ‘Daddy’.
Dudley: I’m sure they appreciate it. Well that’s about all the time we have. One last question. What do you think of your house?
Bode: I love it—especially the kitchen. Man, it looks awesome. I can’t believe I actually live here.

Dudley: Neither can Mama and Daddy, Bode, neither can Mama and Daddy.

Dudley: Well, Bode, thanks for being here. Come back any time.
Bode: I appreciate, Dudley. I sure will. But first, I need a nap—I’ve been awake for almost two hours; I’m not a machine, you know!
Dudley: I hear you, Bode. I need a nap myself. You take care of yourself. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Bode McGuirk.

Applause, Whoots, Hollars

Dudley: What a nice kid…polite, well mannered, sincere. Maybe he was adopted. Seemed to hiccough a bit more than I’d expect, but that’ll pass. Anyways, before we end, we have a special treat. Drum roll please.

Drum Roll

Dudley: We have for you the Top 5 Things Mama and Daddy have learned since Bode’s arrival:
Number 5: They never knew three hours of uninterrupted sleep could be the unequivocal bliss that it has become.
Number 4: Baby hands are the most powerful, relentless vices in the world when wrapped around hair
Number 3: That a parental dinner conversation consisting of color, clarity, and consistency is not about diamonds
Number 2: All babies are born on Tokyo time
And the Number 1 thing Mama and Daddy have learned is that a baby's eyes can melt even the hardest of substances.

Dudley: That's it, ladies and gentlemen. We certainly hope you enjoyed the show.

Applause, shouts, whistles, so much so that Jeff wakes up.

Jeff (very groggy): Did I miss something?